Longing for a hug? Yeah, we hear you!
Evolutionarily speaking, humans have relied on physical contact and human connection for survival. So understandably, when it gets compromised, we feel threatened.
Here’s the good news: unlike hunter-gatherer days when our physical survival depended on community, we have the most recent centuries to thank for the many innovations that help us sustain and create community and connection even when usual physical closeness and socializing is not an option. From video calls and messenger apps to effective PPE equipment to global mail delivery services, we are pretty well set up to cope with this shift in human interaction patterns.
Recently, I was really inspired by the work of Vivek Murthy, Former Surgeon General of the United States, who has set out to build awareness and understanding about the human condition of loneliness – something we all experience - and identify how we can nurture human connection and reduce loneliness.
In discovering his work, I realized that the question for us now isn’t about how we get physical contact and connection in this seemingly isolated period of our lives, but rather ‘How do we build our resilience through this time so we can re-surface with our sense of belonging, happiness and confidence still intact, if not stronger?’
Read the following Top Tips for Coping with Loneliness, inspired largely by Murthy, to find out what you can do:
1. Embrace Solitude
When we hear terms like ‘physical isolation’ and ‘social distancing’ we implicitly feel a sense of separation and lack of control, interpreting it as ‘I can’t interact with people or have a social life’. But there are times when we choose to be alone physically, we yearn for ‘me-time’ or we relish the decision to stay home instead of meeting co-workers at the pub on a Friday night. People sign up to week-long vacation packages that embrace pure, unencumbered solitude. Often these experiences end up being life changing.
And, if you think about it, how often are we able to truly take space from the norm of our lives? Hardly ever.
The main difference between ‘isolation’ and ‘solitude’ is our element of choice. Isolation isn’t chosen, solitude is. Okay, so we don’t choose quarantines or lockdowns, these decisions are out of our control. But we can choose which perspective we live from within the contexts we find ourselves.
The first perspective, isolation, offers a loss of control and deeper feelings of loneliness and resistance. The second perspective, solitude, offers growth, creativity and a slower pace of life, which ironically gives us even more control than we have possibly ever had over our busy social lives.
So do you choose to feel isolated or do you choose solitude?
2. Recognize that time alone is fundamental for healthy human connections
According to Murthy, “Developing comfort with solitude is an essential part of strengthening our connection to ourselves and by extension enabling our connection with others. Solitude, paradoxically protects against loneliness”.
Being alone enables us to connect with ourselves on a deeper level. We discover more about what we need, what we enjoy, and who we most turn to when much of the ‘noise’ and distraction of normal life is reduced. We realize what we do in boredom. We re-ignite our imagination and creativity. We start to understand better what we most value.
Knowing these things helps us make decisions that are more aligned to our values and that give us greater energy. Sometimes even knowing what we want to do in a certain moment can be hard, especially for people who tend to go with the flow – now we get to work out our own flow. And all this information will, at some point, help us to be more ‘ourselves’ in a friendship or relationship, and to discern which connections we want to invest in.
This is the time to re-connect with ourselves so that as we re-emerge into busier social lives in the future, we come out with stronger foundations for healthy and fulfilling connections.
The bottom line is being alone does not mean we are missing out on human connection; it means we have a chance to strengthen it.
3. Identify what kind of connection you’re missing
Murthy identifies three dimensions of loneliness: emotional is having someone you can confide in and with whom you share a bond of mutual affection and trust; relational is about having quality friendships, companionship and support; collective is having a group or community of people who share interests and a sense of purpose.
This explains why it’s possible that you can be in a loving, healthy relationship and still feel lonely. If you have a strong connection in one of these areas but lack connection in another then you still have room for loneliness.
What does this mean for human connection then? Well, it gives us a starting point and a way to look at the connections in our lives in a more meaningful way.
Let’s take this idea and turn it into something more tangible. Grab a piece of paper and draw a circle with three segments, or pie slices. Label one segment ‘emotional’, the second ‘relational’ and the third ‘collective’. Now rate each segment on a scale of 0 (the centre) to 10 (the edge) - 10 being ‘I feel completely fulfilled’ and 0 being ‘I don’t feel fulfilled at all’.
What do you notice when you’ve rated each of these areas?
Where are you feeling fulfilled, and where are you lacking?
If you were to choose one segment to focus on, which one would it be?
What would it take, that’s within your control, to move that score up by 1 point? Nothing is not an option – there is always something, even if it means shifting perspective or working towards acceptance of a current state.
4. Feed your body the ‘good stuff’
Oxytocin is also known as the “love hormone”. Implicitly then, if you feel like you’re lacking love or intimacy then you may understandably feel like you’re missing out on a vital hormone for happiness, oxytocin. Let’s nip that in the bud, shall we?
Here’s the thing people – we don’t necessarily need physical intimacy to get the benefits of it.
Here are just a few ways we can release the “love” hormone that don’t rely on having an intimate partner or hugging buddy…
Listen to music or create your own
Get a massage or a haircut
Tell someone how much you care about them
Practice active listening and engage more deeply with others
Pet animals, and if you can’t do this, then…
Get a soft toy or wrap up in a warm blanket
Make eye contact
Practice yoga
So, in a time when physical intimacy may be hard to come by, you don’t need to miss out. Your body needs to release oxytocin and endorphins to feel good – so go straight to the source and give your body what it biologically needs.
And if it’s energy you’re lacking, then finding ways to release dopamine (the hormone that triggers motivation to seek connection) might be a good starting point.
5. Re-route negative thinking patterns
A common experience of spending time alone is quite simply having more time to think. Combine this with a triggering event and too little external stimulus to put things into perspective, and we have a perfect cocktail for negative thinking patterns.
As Murthy points out, feeling lonely can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Self-doubt, triggered from the shame or fear that’s so often associated with loneliness ‘in turn lowers self-esteem and discourages us from reaching out’ and with time this can lead us to feeling that ‘we don’t matter to anyone, that we’re unworthy of love, driving us ever inward and away from the very relationships we need the most’.
With enough discipline, we can manage negative thought patterns before they become a bigger issue and hinder the connections we have or want to create in our lives. How? Know what triggers you and create practical strategies to deploy when you get triggered.
Consider these questions to identify your triggers:
What statements do you hear your harshest inner critics saying to you?
What are you doing when you notice these statements or thoughts? Where are you?
What emotions do you feel when you hear these statements?
What’s happening in your body when you feel these emotions?
What or who usually triggers these thoughts?
Once you have a better awareness, build a small toolkit of tactics to help you re-route thoughts before they spiral. For example:
Use 54321 to tune into your senses. Notice 5 things you can hear, 4 things you can see, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste.
Use THINK to put your thoughts in check. Ask yourself: Is this thought absolutely True? Is it Helpful? Is it Inspiring? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind?
Change your activity to something that requires focus or creates positive distraction, like watch your go-to Comedy sketch or play your favourite feel good tune on full blast
Take time to work out which strategies work best for you in different situations.
So to finish, remember this: being alone does not mean being lonely. We can be alone and feel very connected, and we can have many people around us and feel truly lonely. And, even though we may fall into the comparison trap and believe that we are missing out on what we see others having, the reality is that loneliness is part of our human experience - no matter our personal situation.
You are not alone.
Inspired by Vivek Murthy and his book "Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World"
Check out my collaboration with CoachMe's founder Nadine Stille in our podcast "Nurturing Human Connection in a Pandemic" for more on this topic.